If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we'll never show up and try again.
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.
The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.
To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.
My goal had been to get a rejection, and I got what I wanted. So why was it still such a frightening moment
What we know matters, but who we are matters more.
Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences
They also tend to enjoy humor at someone else's expense, using it to boost their self esteem.
The point of expressing your feelings is to be TRUE to yourself, not to change your parents. And there's always the likelihood that they can still love you even if they don't get you at all.
You can respect your parents for everything they've given you, but you don't have to pretend they have no human frailties. As we discussed in chapter 2, satisfying a Childs physical and financial needs is not the same as meeting that Childs emotional needs.
The key is to go into the interaction always knowing the end point you wish to arrive at.
You can't force others to emphasize or understand. The point is to feel good about yourself for engaging in what I call clear, intimate communication. Other may or may not respond how you want them to, but it doesn't matter.
Internalizes don't act out their emotions immediately, like externalisers do, so their feelings have a chance to intensify as they're held inside. And because they feel things deeply, it isn't surprising that internalizers are often seen as overly sensitive or too emotional.
And when under severe stress, some internalizes start reacting as impulsively as any externalizer
For instance, once externalisers hit rock bottom, they sometimes open up to the idea that they may need to change instead of expecting the world to adjust to them.
Especially because most emotionally immature parents are externalisers and struggle against reality rather than coping with it. They blame the outside world for their problems, as if reality were at fault
Playing a role-self usually doesn't work in the long run because it can never completely hide people's true inclinations. Sooner or later, their genuine needs will bubble up. When people decide to stop playing the role and live more from their true self, they can go forward with more lightness and vitality
Another reason negative role-selves arise is that it's common for emotionally immature parents to subconsciously use different children in the family to express unresolved aspects of their own role-self and healing fantasies. For instance, one child may be idealized and indulged as the perfect child, while another is tagged as incompetent, always screwing up and needing help.
Role entitlement: When parents feel entitled to do what they want simply because they're in the role of parent, this is a form of role entitlement. They act as though being a parent exempts them from respecting boundaries or being considerate.
They rationaluze their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like "I'm just saying what I think" or "I can't change who I am"
-"Then you want me to surprise my feelings?" When asked not to insult(basically) ppl????
Having her around is nothing but work for me. It's like dealing with this superficial person who just wants me to do things for her. I don't know how she has the nerve to be so demanding.
And because they overreact so frequently, you may quickly learn to tune them out for the sake of your own emotional survival.
They have overwhelming physical evidence that their parents loved and sacrificed for them, but they feel a painful lack of emotional security and closeness with their parents.
As adults, these emotionally immature people have an automatic anxiety reaction when it comes to deep emotional connection.
- I used to feel this, trying to be better
Parental rejection doesnt always result in low self confidence. Some intelligent, resilient people somehow manifest the confidence to pursue good careers and reach high levels of achievement.
When I asked if he'd confided in Alexa about how he was feeling, he said, "No, I can't. She's got her own stuff to deal with. I don't want her to see me as this was who cant deal with his own issues
Her husband and parents werent trying to understand; they were focused on trying to convince her she was mistaken
Pg 16 - Typically, their relationships with their parents are so draining that they don't have the emotional energy to pursue romantic relationships, nor do they want to.
During childhood, Jake had gotten the message from his mother that showing any emotional needs meant he was weak.
Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own.
Growing up in a family with emotionally immature parents is a lonely experience. These parents may look and act perfectly normal, caring for their Childs physical health and providing meals and safety. However, if they don't make a solid emotional connection with their child, the child will have a gaping hole where true security might have been.
"Finding refuge in distraction". Relates alot to me especially during o Level year where my anxiety was so bad that I rather do anything else like watching movies and videos rather than facing it head on
Because they constantly observe and listen, the humble improve....No matter what you've done u to this point, you better still be a student.....It is not enough only to be a student at the beginning. It is a position that one has to assume for life.
Everytime you sit down to work, remind yourself: I am delaying gratification by doing this. I am passing the marshmallow test. I an earning what my ambition burns for. I AM MAKING AN INVESTMENT IN MYSELF INSTEAD OF IN MY EGO
Is it ten thousand hours or twenty thousand hours to mastery? The answer is that it doesn't matter. There is no end zone.
Our ability to learn, to adapt, to be flexible, to build relationships, all of this is dulled by pride.
Are there not glass so important that we'd put it with anything to achieve them?
We see it in na ability to meet nayone else on their terms, an unwillingness to take a step back in order to potentially take several steps forward.
