The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times | 
pickâï¸3/5
Read it based on a recommendation with little idea on what it was about. I enjoyed the introduction to Buddhist beliefs and found the author presented the ideas in easily graspable ways. Most of the book focuses on being mindful in different senses and how it can positively impact a persons life. Would consider reading more of her work in the future.
We gradually discover that we are big enough to hold something that is neither lie nor truth, neither pure nor impure, neither bad nor good.
To stay in the middle prepares us to meet the unknown without fear; it prepares us to face both our life and our death.
In that painful moment when we don‘t live up to our own standards, do we condemn ourselves or truly appreciate the paradox of being human?
Dwelling in the in-between state requires learning to contain the paradox of something‘s being both right and wrong, of someone‘s being strong and loving and also angry, uptight, and stingy.
Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender.
There‘s a sense of freedom when we accept that we‘re not in control.
“nothing to hold on to†is the root of happiness.
The secret of Zen is just two words: not always so.
Moving closer to someone who is so dangerous to the ego takes time.
We can slow down and ask ourselves, “Who is this monolithic me that has been so offended? And who is this other person who can trigger me like this? What is this praise and blame that hooks me like a fish, that catches me like a mouse in a trap? How is it that these circumstances have the power to propel me like a Ping-Pong ball from hope to fear, from happiness to misery?â€
Without the office bully, how could we ever get the chance to know the energy of anger so intimately that it loses its destructive power?
When someone who is insane starts to harm us, we can easily understand that she doesn‘t know what she is doing. There is the possibility of contacting our heart and feeling sadness that she is out of control and is harming herself by hurting others. There is the possibility that even though we feel fear, we do not feel hatred or anger. Instead we might feel inspired to help this person if we can.
The “secret†of life that we are all looking for is just this: to develop through sitting and daily life practice the power and courage to return to that which we have spent a lifetime hiding from, to rest in the bodily experience of the present moment—even if it is a feeling of being humiliated, of failing, of abandonment, of unfairness.
There is no final attainment, no ultimate answer or stopping place, when our mind is free of warring emotions and the belief in separateness, then we will have no fear.
“Form is emptiness, emptiness also is form. Emptiness is no other than form, form is no other than emptiness.â€
holding on to anything blocks wisdom.
Ego can use anything to maintain the illusion of security, including the belief in insubstantiality and change.
When we give up the hope of doing it right and the fear of getting it wrong, we realize that winning and losing are both acceptable. In either case, we have nothing to hang on to. Moment by moment we are traveling to the other shore.
We start with our well-laid plans, but life blows them apart.
“Let no man pull you so low as to make you hate him.â€
When we identify ourselves as the helper, it means we see others as helpless. Instead of feeling the pain of the other person, we set ourselves apart.
Seeing ourselves clearly is initially uncomfortable and embarrassing.
This doesn‘t mean that there are suddenly flowers growing where before there were only rocks. It means we have confidence that something will grow here.
“Trying to fix ourselves is not helpful. It implies struggle and self denigration. Denigrating ourselves is the major way we lose peace. Meditate to cultivate steadfastness in ourselves.â€
“We are certain about who we are and who others are, and it blinds us. If another version comes knocking on our door, our fixed ideas keep us from accepting it... Train as a warrior to connect to our natural flexibility and our dynamic changing nature.â€
“The Buddha said the three qualities of impermanence, egolessness, and suffering are shared by all humanity. What we struggle with all our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary, it‘s not because of our personal inability to get things right. Everything is in process.â€
“Peak experiences are neither good nor bad. It‘s their addictive quality. It‘s inevitable that what goes up must come down, so when we take refuge in them, we are doomed to disappointment.†The more we accept boredom or pain, the more flexible we are to relax despite not knowing the future and the greater our capacity to find joy in each moment.â€
“When we find ourselves becoming righteously indignant, that‘s a sure sign that our ability to affect change will be hindered. Beliefs and ideals have become just another way to put up walls.â€
“The places we go to for comfort only strengthen our fears. Like a mouse being caught in a trap because he can‘t resist the cheese. When we are trapped, we blindly reach for something we associate with relief. Instead, we should acknowledge what is going on and be curious.â€
“Running from groundlessness weakens us and brings us pain.â€
When we are willing to stay even a moment with uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it.
Affirmations are like telling yourself that you are compassionate and brave in order to hide the fact that secretly you feel like a loser.
Trying to change ourselves doesn‘t work in the long run because we‘re resisting our own energy. Self-improvement can have temporary results, but lasting transformation occurs only when we honor ourselves as the source of wisdom and compassion.
It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure about who we are—or who anyone else is either.
My moods are continuously shifting like the weather. I am definitely not in control of what thoughts or emotions are going to arise, nor can I halt their flow. Stillness is followed by movement, movement flows back into stillness. Even the most persistent physical pain, when I pay attention to it, changes like the tides.
A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today and now it is new. It is like that—every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop observing change, then we stop seeing everything as new.
—DZIGAR KONGTRUL RINPOCHE
The problem isn‘t with the beliefs themselves but with how we use them to get ground under our feet, how we use them to feel right and to make someone else wrong, how we use them to avoid feeling the uneasiness of not knowing what is going on.
When we believe in the correctness of our view, we can be very narrow-minded and prejudiced about the faults of other people.
With gentleness and honesty we move closer to those walls. We touch them and smell them & get to know them. We begin a process of acknowledging our aversions & our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies & beliefs we use to build the walls:What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? We start to get curious about whats going on. Without calling what we see right or wrong we simply look as objectively as we can
Openness doesn‘t come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.
We need to be told that fear and trembling accompany growing up and that letting go takes courage.
Although we have the potential to experience the freedom of a butterfly, we mysteriously prefer the small and fearful cocoon of ego.
“Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?â€
We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it‘s also what makes us afraid.
The greatest harm comes from our own aggressive minds.
But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness.
We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.
“Little girl, don‘t you go letting life harden your heart.â€
The essence of generosity is letting go. Pain is always the result of holding onto something.
