Welcome to Litsy!

Now this is what I was looking for in a polyamory book! Very relatable, interesting, and informative.

I do wish I‘d read this in paper instead of ebook. There are sections in a different font that was very pale and difficult to read on my Kindle, plus the vocabulary words didn‘t always link back and forth—it would have been easier to flip pages.

I love this quote however, I don‘t love the context it is used in in this book. It feels also cringy to me. I took the section to mean to just allow people to overstep boundaries and that‘s a no for me. The sixth chapter is just odd. #books #quotes #cleanlove

I borrowed this from the library because it‘s considered essential reading for polyamory (and there‘s so much overlap between the queer and polyamorous communities) and it actually led to a really sweet, open dialogue between my spouse and I about future relationship goals. I recommend anyone read this, even if you‘re a monogamist.

Has anybody else read this?! I have never highlighted in a book before, but this has so many notable quotes I have to!!! #RealLife #TruthBeTold

Learn is important to live

Day 5: A book that makes you happy

I came across this book when I entered a new phase of discovering myself. I love The Ethical Slut. It's realistic, practical, and overall a good book for relationship advice. I am a sex positive person and don't think that Sex or Sexuality should be taboo anymore but in some sense it always will be. This is a great book if you want to feel reassured that the term "slut" can be one of sexual empowerment.

I can always use a re-read. A formative book for me.

Lovers should be treating you the way your friends do, first and foremost before treating you like a lover.

The difference between self-love and narcissism, and how self-nurturing practices can help you learn about what you might want/need from other humans.

My cat: the original ethical slut

Anger as a constructive emotion.

Fairness doesn‘t always mean perfectly equal.

Constant communication of feelings is necessary though not always easy.

When it‘s okay and not okay to rely upon implicit, unspoken agreements. What happens if you‘ve not been brought up in a very uncommunicative environment? or bullied in family/friendship circles? (these are the questions I‘m asking myself)

I need reminding of this: it‘s okay to ask for things you want/need emotionally.

How soothing ourselves in stress sort-of rewires our brains to produce healthier levels of neurochemicals!

Our experience is that relationship troubles are almost always two-sided: if you can acknowledge your own contribution to the problem, you can work toward solving it.

Some people habitually bear the burden of being responsible for everybody‘s emotional well-being and feel that they‘re somehow at fault because they‘re unable to magically make everyone‘s pain and trouble disappear. Instead of refusing to own their stuff, one partner takes too much responsibility for the problem at hand. Such people need to learn to own their own bit and let everybody else own theirs.

Your relationship with yourself is a lifelong commitment.

Some very capable sluts maintain more than one primary relationship.

It‘s important that we not be totally grossed out or disgusted by one another‘s lovers – especially if it‘s going to be long-term, it helps if we can all be friends.

We‘d like to see a world where all of our relationships are honored and valued and where it is understood that a couple‘s love and their journey together is in no way less important just because it occurs in two houses rather than one

Some couples, after dating for a very long time, may look at what living together would look like and decide that it would be a bad idea – maybe all those differences would work out better in separate spaces. this decision can be hard to make in a society were living together is practically the definition of relationship.

We suspect that couples living separately will not be that different in their sexual lifestyles and those who live together. It can, however, make being together much more of a special occasion, so people tend to respect these times and be willing to invest a little effort into making them special.

It‘s a very good idea for everyone to learn to live single – to figure out how to get your needs met without being partnered, so you don‘t find yourself seeking a partner to fill needs that you ought to fill yourself.

Do you have to live together? Why? Why not instead enjoy your friend for the things you like about him and find someone else with whom to share the other things? Sluthood means, among other things, that you don‘t have to depend on any one person to fulfill all your desires.

You may discover that while you enjoy one another‘s company and have fabulous sex, your habits regarding housing, money, possessions, and so on are wildly incompatible. In such a situation, you could do what generations of people have done – move in together and spend years trying to change one another, getting frustrated and resentful in the process. Or you could reconsider some of the implicit assumptions you have brought to the relationship.

We believe that every relationship is unique unto itself, and thus even an attempt to think in types and forms is not going to express the essential truths of what happens when we love people.

In physics, the triangle is considered one of the most structurally sound and well-balanced structures...

Studying the scripts you had to live by in your childhood will explain a lot about how you react to anger and conflict today.

We have had long, intense intimate conversations that felt deeply sexual to us.

We think erotic energy is everywhere- in the deep breath that fills our lungs as we step out into a warm spring morning, in the cold water spilling over the rocks in a brook, in the creativity that drives us to paint pictures and tell stories and make music and write books, in the loving tenderness we feel toward our friends and relatives and children.

We have found that jealousy is an emotion like any other: it feels bad (sometimes very bad), but it is not intolerable.

We hate boredom. We are people who are greedy to experience all that life has to offer and are also generous in sharing what we have to offer. We love to be the good time had by all.

We tend to like our lives complicated, and the challenge of maintaining stable work and home lives while discovering new people and ideas is just what we need to keep us interested and engaged.

Sluts tend to want a lot of things: different forms of sexual expression, different people, perhaps men, or women, or people in between, or some of each.

Sluts often find that the more love and sex they give away, the more they have...

We think it's a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children; that's how they learn how to be affectionate adults. But you'll have have to make some decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and sexual demonstrativeness.

How are we to teach our children to say "no" to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that should say "no" to? (pp 103, 102)

Education at the appropriate times is not abuse, and parents need to try to give enough info as is appropriate to age/s and situations.

"Still, many parents have a great deal of difficulty bridging the gap between responsible parenting and inclusive relationships."

(dare I say, that's precisely why monogamy traditionalists feel so threatened?)

Some thoughts on family interconnectedness and security in sexually extended families.

Kids take to non-traditional relationships better than we think, and being surrounded by more and extended family can mean happier, well-adjusted kids! Shame that this isn't encouraged more.

Commitment to healthy sex should be mature, realistic and sober. Be prepared to share your decisions with potential partners. It might be unerotic and awkward but gets easier with time. You deserve the right to request that of potential lovers also. (p98)

Be educated, courageous and honest, and remember that sex doesn't always involve squirting inside another human. (pp 95-6)

Others have decided not to engage in any form of penetration with an organic penis. We have never heard of a dildo or a butt plug coming down with an infection.
(obvious, but hilariously put!)

Restriction of certain sexual acts that have higher risk of transmission of STIs.

Take time to research safe sex!

How to bring up being an ethical nonmonogamist.

We learn to flirt as infants, and sometimes need to relearn it as adults! It can be nonverbal or with sincere, nonsexual compliment/s. (p85)