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State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity | Esther Perel
Iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo--universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat--even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage--with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships--what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
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Addison_Reads
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#BeginsWith @Alwaysbeenaloverofbooks @Eggs

Going through my shelves for this challenge has given me some books I forgot I had and I'm now excited to read, and other books that I'm unsure why they ended up on my shelves in the first place. This is the latter. 😀

Megabooks 😂😂😂 3y
Eggs Could be great-you never know! 3y
41 likes2 comments
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ScoobySnacks3
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Pickpick

12/100 I enjoyed this nonfiction book on the psychology of affairs immensely. Definitely a good read if you‘re into broadening your perspective on the questions of monogamy!

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Sydneypaige
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This should be required reading for anyone interested in committed relationships. Esther always centers a person‘s humanity with kindness and curiosity and offers up insight into conversations and experiences you may relate to, or not. I do wish there would have been more examples of non heterosexual couples and non traditional relationship structures.

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keithmalek
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11 likes1 stack add
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keithmalek
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keithmalek
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(Continued)...Reddit forum deadbedrooms (membership in the tens of thousands). Big data analyst Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reports in the New York Times that Google searches for "sexless marriage" outnumber searches related to any other marital issue.

Suet624 Wow!! 4y
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keithmalek
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Leftcoastzen Love this quote! 4y
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keithmalek

People often ask What is the difference between jealousy and envy? A definition I have found helpful is that envy relates to something you want but do not have, whereas jealousy relates to something you have but are afraid of losing. Therefore, envy is a tango between two people, yet the dance of jealousy requires three. Envy and jealousy are close cousins and often become intertwined.

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keithmalek
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...(Continued)...tool.

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keithmalek
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IuliaC
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Pickpick

Very comprehensive, downright and extremely useful analysis

26 likes1 stack add
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BBooks
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An absolutely great read. No bias in depth look at infidelity or perhaps missing pieces we all try to fill that a village one did. Question is, how do get our village back?

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EchoLogical
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🤣🤣😂😂😂😭😭

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HannahDE
Pickpick

An amazing analysis of infidelity. I really think everyone should read it (actually, you should listen to it because Esther Perel reads it herself and she has a great Belgian accent). I have much more ability to see the gray surrounding an affair, which is important because you will not get through your life without having infidelity touch you in some way (through parents, family, or friends, if not through partners). This is a helpful foundation.

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ChristinasBookChronicles
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Pickpick

This book paints a spectrum of gray where we tend to see only black or white. Perel sheds light on the complexities of marriage and infidelity, without condoning the latter... or necessarily the prior either. From a sociological standpoint, I found it fascinating

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rachellayown
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Pickpick

I listened to the audio book of this one. Infidelity is a loaded topic and this book handles it with logic, compassion, and wisdom. A book worth checking out if you‘ve ever been effected by an affair or are just curious about the topic.

merelybookish I heard her on the Dear Sugar podcast. She was so interesting! 7y
rachellayown I‘ll have to check it out @merelybookish! 7y
Reggie Dan Savage, I don‘t know if you‘ve ever read his sex column but he has some challenging ideas about infidelity. I don‘t agree with them but it‘s hard not to see the sense in some of them. 7y
rachellayown I love Dan Savage! She talks about his thoughts on it @Reggie! 7y
39 likes1 stack add4 comments
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Notafraidofwords
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Pickpick

I learn so much about myself and the complexities of being human when I read Perel. While I loved her 1st book better, I learned a lot about my own views on infidelity. Also, on what I want from a partner. Am I looking for my everything? Maybe at some point that was a goal. But, now it‘s more like who can I share my life with where I can combine my independence with my desire for companionship. Overall, an eye opening read and highly recommended.

Hooked_on_books Thoughtful review! 7y
Reggie Omg, I‘m not even with anybody but that keeps me up at night. Lol, do you ever read Dan Savage‘s sex column. I think it‘s very common sense but it‘s not what people have grown up with. Like he says that if a marriage has 50 years and one person cheated once in those 50 years that marriage was probably a success. Most of us are ready to torch that person but in the big picture maybe it‘s not so bad. He has some other things that wrestle with. 7y
Notafraidofwords @Reggie yes!!!! Seriously this book tested everything I believe about loyalty and respect. I don‘t agree with everything she says but I also don‘t know if leaving a marriage of fifty years is worth it after one infidelity. I know someone whose been married twice. Both times the man has cheated and now she‘s so scarred that she doesn‘t want to be with anyone. She says she would rather be alone than lonely. 7y
minkyb Always do interesting to think about no matter where you are in your life journey. 7y
BBooks @Notafraidofwords reccomend Johann Hari's book on Lost Connection... he stated Loneliness isn't the physical absence of people it's that you aren't sharing what matters with another person. 4y
77 likes3 stack adds5 comments
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hanseatic
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Pickpick

4*
The first two thirds of the book were a nice build up for the last third, that finally showed ways to live honest and equal relationships. I suggest Dossie Easton's "The ethical slut" as a follow up read, which is a little bit more in depth.

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hanseatic
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Almost finished, the last third of the book being really great.

#thestateofaffairs #estherperel #relationships #polyamory #love #booklove

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hanseatic
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Xmas gift from my sister. Starting to read right now. Very curious about it.

#newin #estherperel #gift #nonfiction #psychology

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BooksForEmpathy
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As a therapist, as a woman, and as a person in a relationship, Esther Perel has been essential to my learning and curiosity.

If you think infidelity is black + white, please think again. Our idea of marriage/monogamy is increasingly becoming something we demand so much from: emotional intimacy and sexual excitement and a family and partner for mundane life tasks. Infidelity deserves some attention as we navigate around this impossible ideal.

merelybookish I heard her on the Dear Sugar podcast. She was great! So NOT black and white. 7y
L_auren Also was introduced to her on Dear Sugar! So interesting! 7y
BooksForEmpathy @merelybookish @L_auren YES! Her interview on Dear Sugar was so insightful. Hello fellow Dear Sugar listeners 💕. What other podcasts do you listen to? 7y
L_auren @BooksForEmpathy Awesome Etiquette, several of the book riot podcasts, and Gretchen Rubin‘s happier ! 7y
68 likes3 stack adds4 comments